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My parents divorced when I was 3 years old.
I don't remember much except for the day my mother drove us away from the house that had been our house. My dad waved good-bye from the front porch.
I won't say my parents' divorce was easy on me, but over time I have come to acknowledge what a difficult decision it must have been.
My parents were very young when they married. My mom hadn't even turned 20 and my dad was just two years older. They had me and my brother, who was just six months old when they split, while they were still in their early twenties.
As I passed through my twenties, I would sometimes consider how much growing up I still had to do. I would realize every five years or so how drastically I had changed. How well would I have balanced a marriage, two small children and all the responsibilities of a family at that age? It's a difficult task now in my mid-thirties!
I am the mother of a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old. Lately, I've been thinking about how my mom, who had primary custody, raised us on her own most of the week. I've been wondering how difficult it was for my dad to miss the daily milestones because we saw him only on the weekends. But most of all, I've been thinking about the effects of my parents' divorce on us kids. What did we encounter emotionally that was most likely a result of the split?
My brother and I have spoken at length about this. Both of us have felt loss, abandonment, the stress of blended families, anger, frustration and embarrassment. Divorce for us carried a stigma; many of our friends were from two-parent homes.
The effects of divorce vary, depending on what research you read. Some experts think children are resilient and that they will eventually adjust to their new situation. However, most of the research I read says divorce is an intensely stressful experience for children with long-term psychological impact.
At any age, a range of emotions and behaviors can be directly attributed to parents' separation. Some of the common emotions and behaviors: fear of abandonment, depression, aggression, rejection and grief. The need for security items such as blankets or stuffed animals is very common in small children, while older children take on greater responsibilities for their siblings.
One single effect on children of any age is the hope that their parents will reunite. Resentment of a parent for causing divorce or choosing one parent over another is also very typical.
Adult children of divorced parents often experience what were previously suppressed feelings of anxiety, stress and anger. As adults, children of divorce often encounter feelings of fear when it comes to love or marriage and experience a higher rate of failed marriages themselves. This is something I am all too familiar with, as I too have been through a divorce. Fortunately, it was relatively amicable and no children were involved.
As I unearth these facts, it occurs to me that I have probably passed through many of these emotional states myself. What can be done to lessen the effects of divorce on children and make the transition easier? Here are some ideas, from the University of New Hampshire's Cooperative Extension:
-- Discuss the separation. This will develop trust between you and your child.
-- Limit the amount of conflict and hostility.
-- Limit the amount of change to the child's daily life.
-- Encourage day-to-day contact with both parents. Consider phone calls, e-mails and letters. Talk about school, art projects or the child's athletic or other activities.
-- Discuss the finality of the divorce. Children of all ages will attempt to reunite parents.
-- Develop positive ways to handle the stress and anxiety.
-- Engage family, friends or professionals to help support children during this stressful experience.
I have never been more cognizant of the effects of my parents' divorce as I am now that I am a mother. I'm hoping that these are not measures I will have to take with my own children. My husband and I intend to foster an environment where our children have stability and consistency, self-confidence and independence. I'm wondering how to make sure my marriage lasts and how to make sure it is a healthy example for my children.
What measures do you take to keep your marriage intact? If you are divorced or in the process of a divorce, how are you approaching the situation with your children? Are you concerned about long-term effects?
Amy Grace is married with two boys. She is a stay-at-home mom.
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14 Comments
Posted by: Sara N. on 03/12/10 @ 9:05 am:
This may sound strange, but my parents divorece did not affect me. They divorced when I was 2. I have no mempries of my parents being together. My father raised my sister and I. While we were aware of friends who had both parents, our life was the only life I knew, and I didn't feel a loss. I had both parents in my life, seeing my mother on holidays and weekends and summers, but I also had other strong woman role models in my life. It is a carzy hard choice for parents to make, but with the right mindset and both parents willing to work together to raise their children regardless of the fact they ar no longer together, divorce does not have to be a bad thing.
You picked a great topic to write about.
Posted by: Jen S on 03/12/10 @ 1:15 pm:
I disagree with Sara's comment that divorce does not have to be a bad thing. It is never positive whenever there is a shake-up from a normal routine, a displacement in living conditions and the absence of a parent on a regular basis. Of course, if parents handle the situation well, it benefits the children more. Unfortunately, this is usually not the case. My ex-husband and I divorced seven years ago when our children were 4 and 18 months. We handled our divorce as well as we could, but when emotions run strong, things don't always go the way you expect. I am now remarried and can list the mistakes I made the first time around. After many years of counseling I can tell you that there are three things that make a marriage work..1) make sure you are on the same page financially 2) Set aside time once a week for just you and your partner 3) remain intimate.
Posted by: Ashli B on 03/12/10 @ 1:21 pm:
Amy, something that my parents always emulated was the fact that their relationship was the first priority. That may sound harsh but as a child, I never felt shorted on love and affection. In fact, seeing my parents so happy always made me feel more loved. I know this is hard as parents because you love your children like you could never love anything else but for my husband and I, we say that our family will always be like a triangle with the two of us being at the top point and our children being an extension of our relationship. We've only been married 5 years and have one child but both of our parents have been married for 35 ... we feel like we had a pretty good model for making it together for better or worse.
Posted by: Shirley on 03/12/10 @ 2:11 pm:
Way to talk about a tough topic, Amy. And Jen, I like your three tips.
Sometimes I want to divorce my husband, but I wonder what the consequences of that will be on our 5-year-old. And then I wonder what the effects will be for our 5-year-old to continue to grow up in a home of tension and resentment.
Posted by: cindyg on 03/12/10 @ 2:13 pm:
Very interesting to hear from the (adult) kid's perspective. Thanks, Amy. I wonder if the "embarrasment" factor has changed with time and more divorced families? Of course the topic is very open in our home (me and my kids)...but I also hear my kids talk to their friends about their situations and I want to believe that is healthy for them to bounce their feelings off of one another and their peers. Good blog.
Posted by: Amy G on 03/12/10 @ 3:48 pm:
Thanks to everyone on their tips for a happy marriage and a smoother divorce. I know that divorce is a fact of life and just hope that people keep talking about better ways to make tough decisions for their kids' sake. Thanks for reading and weighing in!
Posted by: Alyce on 03/12/10 @ 9:21 pm:
My husband and I are both from divorced families. Before we got married 45 years ago we talked long and hard about "Are you sure this is what you want to do? This is forever. It isn't until you change your mind or meet someone else." Thank God. It has worked and we haven't had to put our kids through what we went through. Divorce is a tough alternative. I just feel too many people go into marriage with the thought that "....if it don't work out, we can always divorce." I don't think a lot of people take their marriage vows seriously and work at it. Marriage isn't easy. It takes two working together!! And when there are more than two, you have to work harder.
Posted by: tinad6 on 03/13/10 @ 8:58 am:
great blog. as a child of divorce there is much here to which i can relate and amy writes from a place of knowing. i do not want my kids to experience the kind of shake up i had and my husband and i have discussed that things would have to be rotten to the core to ever consider divorce but i think for some couples it is the only and best option. it's just tragic when young children are involved who need stability, routine and good role models that help shape them and prepare them for their own relationships. pretty insightful blog
Posted by: Deb M on 03/13/10 @ 9:18 am:
Thanks for the insight, I was blessed to have two parents that have been together over 60 years, but I experienced divorce in a different way. I have a brother that divorced and I was about 10 at the time, it truly does effect a multitude of family members and loved ones. I am forwarding your story on to my best friend who has recently gone through divorce and her and her kids are going through some rough times right now.
Posted by: Sara N. on 03/13/10 @ 11:56 am:
Jen, When I say divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing, I mean, if parents are fighting and unhappy, the children see that and feel it. I would rather have parents who are happy and not living together than parents who are unhappy living in the same home. Unfortunately or fortunately, however you look at it, I am a product of divorce being a good thing.
Posted by: Stina N on 03/14/10 @ 10:22 am:
Thanks Amy for the subject. I'm new to Momaha. I agree with Sara N. My parents divorced when I was 6 months old, and spent the remainder of my childhood with the most loving, and yes, totally disfunctional, mother and grandparents, all smooshed into a small modest house in south mid-town. And it's really so interesting, because it is basically, simply relative to the immediate experience of each person. And my twin sister and I both agree that we were better off with the people who truly wanted to raise us and spend time with us. Our father was never around, minus once or twice when we were so young the memories are too fuzzy, and accompanied by feelings of discomfort. Our perspective is if he wasn't good enough to be a father figure or a loving husband, and didn't want the job, for whatever reason, (and now being an adult am certain the complexities of him, and his relationship with my mother are beyond any judgment from me), then my sister and I simply didn't want him around. Nor did we miss him. No biggy. I know it sounds simple and callous, but we felt complete, and loved, and probably hugely fortunate to not ever to have seen any of the awful stuff that led up to divorce. We could spend all day talking about the other disfunctional muck in our growing up, but I'm very happy my mother didn't have a man in our lives that didn't want the job. And am hugely grateful for the love and muck we did have, because of all the tools we got at early ages to handle the bigger grown-up muck that faces adulthood daily.
Posted by: Terry H on 03/14/10 @ 2:53 pm:
Amy, thanks for sharing a very sensitive part of who you are. You write powerfully!
Posted by: im messing up on 03/16/10 @ 7:31 pm:
I think my situation is real bad. I have been with my boyfriend ( childrens father) for about 13 years. He is the best dad I could have ever wished for with the kids. The last time he moved out was about 2 years ago. He see's the kids every week. Also, we do something every week together on his days off. We talk everyday and don't have any plans to see anyone else. I don't really know why we don't get married. We do get along alot better though when we don't live together. Thats sad huh!! Anyways so I wonder if this is bothering my kids the way our relationship is.
Posted by: Amy G on 03/22/10 @ 9:17 am:
To "im messing up," it's not for any of us to judge your situation. A lot of us grew up in non-traditional situations and turned out fine, for the most part - save some emotional baggage. I think the most important thing is that your children are subjected to tension and anger on a regular basis and have the support of both parents at all times. I am by no means an expert on anything other than owning my own "stuff."
If you are concerned that your particular situation may be affecting your children, you may want to consider a counselor who specializes in families. They may also be able to help you and your partner find a way to coexist in the same household, you never know. I wish you good luck either way!