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I have five children. I wasn't pregnant five times and I don't have any multiples. Do the math.
I am a very proud stepmom.
However, being a stepmom is the most difficult job I have ever had or ever will have.
My bonus children, as I like to call them, live full-time with me and my husband. Their mother lives more than 600 miles away and, thus, I am the woman that's here with them.
I call to schedule doctor's appointments. I cook them dinner and help them clean their rooms. I drop them off and pick them up from school. I attend the parent-teacher conferences. I refill their medications and do the majority of their clothes shopping. I plan and host their birthday parties. I stay home to care for them when they are sick. All of these things a mother does, I do.
Does that list make me a parent? Hardly.
In preparation for my marriage and the blending of our big family about four years ago, I had many assumptions. I thought the ceremony of marriage would solidify not only my commitment to my husband but also to his children. I was disillusioned, to say the least, when we weren't automatically one big happy family.
The transition from a single mom of two to the matriarch of this gigantic family has been a tumultuous process. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed and surprisingly angry.
I began asking myself where this anger comes from. The stress and overwhelming nature of raising a family of five children seemed normal. But the anger?
I was so blessed to have found a true and real love in my husband. I wasn't mad at him.
Then I looked in the eyes of my stepchildren. I felt so blessed to have them to love on. I wasn't mad at them either.
Finally, I looked at myself, and I did not like what I saw. I was searching and clawing for my place in this family. I wanted recognition and appreciation for all these new roles I had taken on.
Does anyone see how busy I am raising this family? Does anyone notice that I am taking on these extra roles with a smile on my face? What about the efforts I am making to keep the extended family in the loop? Doesn't this guarantee me unconditional devotion?
There's more.
I am also irrationally resentful that Zack has already shared these milestones with another woman. Granted, I was married before as well. But I think about how he’s already shared a honeymoon, a first place together, pregnancies, labor and deliveries, his children's first steps and first hair-cuts ... all with someone else. And I don't like it.
I have been resentful that I do all the day-to-day facets of being a mother, while Zack’s ex-wife is reaping the joys of the mother-child bond. I’ll never be “Mommy” to them, yet I feel like I have earned that title in many ways.
I am also very protective of my two daughters from my own previous marriage. I feel compelled to shower them with extra love because they have been through so much so young.
When I was done with this honest look at my own heart, I was appalled. At the anger. At the resentment. It's not at all what I expected to find.
I try now to take a few steps back and see this family from everyone’s perspective. My husband - working hard to provide for all seven of us, trusting me to care for his precious babies while he’s at work. The two bonus babes, missing their mom and looking to me to provide them the day-to-day love and guidance they need.
It’s not all about me.
As hard as it is to reason with my ugly but honest human nature, I am working on it. I still struggle with remembering that this is not the life these children chose. It’s not their fault that their parents live 600 miles apart. It’s not their choosing that they have a stepmom as the primary female figure in their life.
They deserve a stepmom who is truly grateful to fulfill their needs. I will be that woman.
And I will remember that this is a unique experience I am living. Though it’s difficult, I am growing. I am becoming a better person because of these circumstances.
What about you? Do you have situations in your life that are forcing you to grow? Is it uncomfortable? How do you cope and ensure your own personal development?
Sarah Tucker is married with five children. She works full-time from home. Her blogs appear on momaha.com every Sunday.
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18 Comments
Posted by: StephanieW on 03/07/10 @ 7:28 am:
I wish all stepparents could read this and have the courage to examine their heart as you did, Sarah. I think you are very brave for many reasons. Great job tackling this subject.
Posted by: Deesha@CoParenting101 on 03/07/10 @ 8:00 am:
Sarah, this is so honest and candid! My wish is that every stepmom-to-be could read this and know how important it is accept that stepmothering *is* a hard job and to be gentle with themselves.
Posted by: ILoveOmaha on 03/07/10 @ 10:16 am:
I am glad I read your entire article before I thought I should comment. Half way through your story I was starting to get bored and upset with someone who is complaining. People tend to forget there are others out there that will never meet Mr or Mrs Right to have a baby, others that will spend every penny to have children, and worse, others that will never meet Mr or Mrs Right and will never have the money to have childern. Life is too short and unless you have a resolution to a problem, keep your comments to yourself, complaining never helped anything or anyone. Smile and keep moving forward. I am very pleased to read the end of your article about how you will change your perspective on your situation, and you sharing it with others in hopes of the enlightighting/education of others. I commend you on your situation, and I remind your readers that other people will have a better situation than you, while others will have it far worse, accept this, and moving forward is so much easier. Last thought, what about the parent/s that are biological do everything you say (all the chores and duties) and still do not get reconigtion?
Posted by: Amy G on 03/07/10 @ 10:47 am:
Take it from someone who had a not-so-nice step-mother, the fact that you would raise them as if they were your own and do it with a smile, speaks volumes. You are allowed to "wallow" occasionally - you are only human after all.
Posted by: a on 03/07/10 @ 11:03 am:
I dont agree with any posts so far... I think you sound like your complaining about all the things that a mother does.. reguardless of if its a step mom or mom your still the mother.. Mothers do all those things every single day alot of them without complaing and some yes with. Some mothers even have the added "unhealthy" child or a child with special needs. Sounds to me like you have 5 kids that you take care of, and that you are trying to find a reason that you shouldnt feel the way you do. Reguardless if you have the unconditional love of a mother from your step children shouldnt even matter! You love them and some day when they are older they will know that everything you do for them now will be what matters and then they can openly show u the uncondional love that you are seeking. coming from a blended family, its hard to show the step parent the same affections you show the real parent EVEN as bad as they may be with spending time with or showing any kind of involvment. I think you should consider yourself very blessed and need to really work on these feelings you are feeling.
Posted by: Sarah T on 03/07/10 @ 12:20 pm:
To "a'"
Did you read the end of my post? I am sharing some very honest but true revelations of my heart. I am not saying that it's pretty or right. I am stating the exact opposite and agree with you 100%. It's ugly and selfish.
I am sharing this because I have met MANY stepmothers who have had the same feelings, but no one comes out and says it. When we can recognize that while it's ugly, its normal for the blending of a family to be difficult emotionally -- only then can we truly start making steps towards making it better.
I love my step-children. I am honored to take care of them every day. And I know they love me too.
But, it's ok for me to say it's not easy.
Thanks for reading.
Sarah
Posted by: LiberalMom on 03/07/10 @ 12:47 pm:
I have to respectfully disagree with "A's" take on your article Sarah. First and foremost, congratulations on yet again writing an insightful look into what you're dealing with. I don't hear you saying anything about not loving those kids unconditionally, or "complaining" about the things we as mothers have to do daily to make sure our kids are healthy, happy and loved.
You're allowed to have feelings, girlfriend, and thank God you have a forum to express them. Maybe the haters need to take a look at their own lives before casting stones on yours. I don't think you're complaining or whining at all - you're taking an honest look at what it takes to raise kids - your own or steps. I've been both a step mom and a mom. There are days when I feel pretty selfish and think "aghhh what have I gotten myself into" - ALL parents do that, some just apparently have a hard time admitting it.
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: KimmyD on 03/07/10 @ 12:48 pm:
Wow "a". It sounded to me like Sarah is trying VERY hard to work through those emotions. If we don't bring our emotions into the light, then they have the chance to continue to do whatever they want in the darkness. By bringing to light how we are feeling, we are surrendering the emotions so that others can help us be accountable for them. Honest is huge. Thank you Sarah for your honesty. I am sure it will help lots of Step-moms take a deeper look at their own lives so that they can change them for the better. Nobody is a PERFECT mom......it's a dillusion. I am flawed and human and pray that my children will turn out well-rounded DESPITE my imperfections.
Posted by: loriann on 03/07/10 @ 1:20 pm:
I think that as women and mothers we sometimes put our own feelings on the back burner in order to attend to everyone else's need. Sarah, I applaud you for having the courage to really look at yourself and then to share your true feelings. I know I get frustrated with the day-to-day tasks of motherhood, and to have that compounded with two children that you didn't physically bring into this world is something I cannot fathom. You're doing a great job, Sarah!
Posted by: Angela F on 03/07/10 @ 1:25 pm:
Sarah, you are absolutely amazing with all of your kids, step or biological, and it is so immediately obvious that they love and respect you with all of their heart. Your article is clearly not about complaining, but reminding people that the initial transition you went through several years ago is a difficult one and not one that automatically works itself out like magic. Keep up the wonderful work you do as a mother, stepmother, wife, friend, etc. Great article!
Posted by: alisadell on 03/07/10 @ 1:28 pm:
So amazingly honest and on your sleeve. Thank you for sharing. You and your family are so lucky to have found each other. Keep writing these from the heart articles!!!!
Posted by: JB79 on 03/07/10 @ 1:44 pm:
Did you finish reading the blog, a? Sarah did say that she looked at herself and is making the conscious choice everyday to be happy. She's not complaining...she's sharing her heart. You should open yours up to others' thoughts and feelings.
Sarah, I think what you have written can be said for mothers and stepmothers alike. We choose to do it because we love our kids unconditionally...but sometimes it is nice to feel appreciated! Good blog!
Posted by: Ann E. on 03/07/10 @ 1:56 pm:
I'm amazed by some of these comments. I think every mother has gone through the emotions you describe, and trust me, I'm still learning how difficult it is for my husband to be a stepdad. You have to work just a little bit harder with kids that aren't yours, and that little bit harder is very difficult to come by sometimes. You are a beautiful person, an enviable mother and no one has the right to judge someone on how they feel. Whether you agree or not, a person's feelings are to be respected and learned from. I love you girl!
Posted by: melissa on 03/07/10 @ 2:00 pm:
It takes guts to put yourself out there. The fact that several people understand what you said, means that you're not alone and it is worth it. Even if you get a critic or two that can't understand that you're not saying you don't love your kids or that you're ungrateful. She's just human - like the rest of us. We ALL have thoughts like this (regardless of our situations), Sarah is just brave enough to say it.
Posted by: momma in omaha on 03/08/10 @ 10:21 am:
Sarah, Thank you for putting this out there! I am too a step-mother and have been for the most part of her life. It is so trying, just like another poster mentioned, and sometimes you are just too drained to give more, but YOU DO! I'm not quite sure anyone can understand this feeling unless you are a step-parent full time, not just the every other weekend care. I also grew up with a step-dad, whom I thought of nothing less than my dad. I do everything for my step-daughter that I do for my own bio children and never any less, as did my dad. Some days when the typical tween attitude arises I feel a little resentment that I am taking care of this and not her mother that gave birth to her. But then I see the reason GOD gave me the opportunity to raise this beautiful little girl into a woman. She too will grow up knowing how to give unconditional love.
They will grow older and wiser and see the love and care we gave them, when they needed it so. I can only hope when she is an adult, she will understand what defines a mother, and it doesn't mean you have to give birth to them.
Posted by: rawmom on 03/10/10 @ 1:25 pm:
Dear Sarah, I too am a step-mom and wrestle with these feelings quite often. I am trying to take a more proactive step also to try and master these feelings. I have taken an active roll in talking with their biological mom and I try to be sure to include her when we have mutual activities such as high school registration (that falls on our nights). I also want to thank momma in omaha for her wonderful post. I appreciate the very inspirational message and I try to remember these things every day and I also hope and pray that when my step-children are adults that they understand what defines a mother as you stated. =)
Posted by: pbajmom on 03/15/10 @ 11:29 pm:
Very honest and open post. I respect your candid post about the realities of being a Stepmom. It's not easy at all. Being a Step-parent can bring out the best or the worst in us.
I heard a long time ago, that some people think "Mother" is a noun, and some people think a "Mother" is a verb. I subscribe to the verb analogy.
Posted by: Mary 57 on 03/17/10 @ 10:49 am:
I am also a stepmother. I had 2 children and was divorced when I met my wonderful husband who had lost his wife. He had 3 children. We have now been married for 22 years (his kids were 13, 11 and 5 and mine were 10 and 8) when we married and and I love all of the kids the same. I have always accepted his children as my own. There were many adjustments but we made a happy family. I know I made mistakes but I did the best I could and sure if I could go back I may have done some things different but then again, who wouldn't? I agree it is hard and I commend Sarah and agree sometimes it is hard to not feel appreciated and anyone who hasn't been in the situation does not realize how hard it is. It is hard enough raising your own flesh and blood let alone someone else's. I have to live with knowing that they should not have had to grow up without their mother and have someone else step in to do it. But God had a plan that no one could change and he somehow brought me to them. Every milestone in my step children's lives is bitter sweet, meaning I am happy to be there but the other side of my heart feels sad because their mother should be there not me. I am not stupid to believe I know they would rather have their mother here and wonder how things would be if she was here instead of me - even though there is no way to tell being circumstances would not be the same so they can't really compare because they as adults and everything in their life would not be the same as they are now. I know in my heart that they love me but I don't think they know or understand how I am hurt at times by things that are said or implied and how many times I have cried to myself feeling that even after this many years I still don't feel like I matter or if they realize that I should get some credit for how their lives turned out. I now have 7 wonderful grandchildren from MY five children that that I love more than words can say. Hang in there Sarah and realize that you there is nothing wrong in feeling the way you do. It is a unique experience and a wonderful experience that you nor I would ever give up but it is also not an easy one. Good luck to you and I hope you have many happy years with your wonderful family as I have had and plan on having.