Dear Celebrity Moms,

Let me first thank you for being a great way to pass time while waiting in line at the grocery store. Time flies when I'm deciphering baby bumps from gassy tummies or noting how lucky your child is to have won the genetic lottery.

Now that the niceties are out of the way, I have a few bones to pick with you.

Dear Heidi Klum (or is it Heidi Samuel now?),

You slinked down the catwalk a mere six weeks after giving birth. Do you really think you are doing any of us "normal" moms a favor by donning a bra, panties and giant wings that soon?

I realize we didn't start on even ground - your nickname after all is "The Body" - but you've done a real disservice to both us and our husbands. Men are now very aware that it is possible for a six-week postpartum body to look like yours. Imagine the torture we put ourselves through trying to accomplish one iota of your fabulousness. Imagine our husbands' disappointment when they realize it aint gonna happen!

Yours Truly,
A New Mom Who Still Does it in the Dark

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Dear Celine Dion,

I know you worked very hard to get your son Rene, but I wonder if you secretly wished for a girl? You have gone far beyond the "boy with long hair" and all the way to "A Boy Named Sue." If you're going to give your child a girl's name, at least cut his hair so he isn't mistaken for your daughter. It's embarrassing for the rest of us.

Sincerely,
A Mom Who has Put her Foot in her Mouth One Too Many Times

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Dear Katie Holmes,

Rumor has it you had a silent birth. Please tell me that isn't true. Please tell the whole world it just isn't possible. For centuries, fathers-to-be have been yelled at in delivery rooms. We are in pain, and dang it, they did it to us! I just don't want any men to get the idea, "If Katie can do it..."

Warm Regards,
The Mom Who Threatened to Throw an iPhone at her Husband During Labor

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Dear Angelina,

You never thought to pick up a baby name book? There are plenty of them out there. Surely The Duggar family could loan you theirs; 25 letters of the alphabet are completely untouched.

Vivienne is a great name (thank goodness for your mother), but I have to say your other children sound like they belong in a pharmacy. Every time I hear Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and Knox, I'm left wondering what the side effects are.

You really aren't the worst baby namer out there, but Frank Zappa's dead, so I'll leave little Moon Unit, Dweezil and Diva Muffin alone. From one mom to another, I don't mind unique names; I just think having five of them is a bit much.

Your Fan,
A Mother Who Chose to be Called "Cat"

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Dear Octomom,

Please see my letter to Heidi. Your recent photos in a bikini are a bit far fetched. I don't care how great your genetics are; no human being looks like that after giving birth to eight children at one time. You don't see Michelle Duggar parading around in a bikini, do you? Just fess up to having a tummy tuck. Heck, Kate Gosselin made money doing it.

Best Wishes,
Muffin Topped Mom of Two Singletons